Friday, July 11, 2014

Dealing With Depression Right Then and There. Right Now.

As you know, this is more of a fitness blog. Why? Well, if you've followed my other blog, City Girl Gone Ranch Mama, you know that I've struggled with depression. Postpartum depression mixed with the depression that comes from MS is, well, just a bad combo. So when I started really working out. I mean with purpose and in a challenge group, with a coach who was cheering me on, I thought, "Wow, why did I wait?" I actually told the Merman how much I wished I had just done this 3 years ago when the Bunny was a baby. That's how great it made me feel. That's how bad I felt.

How bad?

I want to share with you a secret. I had a plan. The doctor asked if I was feeling the blues. I said yes. She said well, is it bad? I said yes. She asked, do you have a plan.

What did she mean by asking if I had a plan? She meant a suicide plan. And with all the courage in the world to hold back my tears. I said, "Yes!"

I had a plan. I knew exactly how I would do it. Where I would do it. The only thing I was fighting with was when. I kept fighting it. Not tonight. Not tonight. Not tonight. Not tonight. Not tonight. And even though I knew I as being ridiculous: I loved my life and my family and my kids and myself….

I also had the demons of depression whispering lies that I wasn't good enough, that my kids needed someone better, that my husband could do so much better, that I would be doing them a huge favor if I did it. And right now is the best time. Do it tonight. Right now. When they are all in bed and asleep. Tonight. Tonight. Tonight.

A actually remember. When Bunny was about 3 months old. I was sitting with her in my lap and we were looking at each other. And I was thinking how she still had never smiled at me. I was thinking how much we worked to get Bear to smile. And I realized that if I never smiled at this baby, she would never smile at me. So I tried to remember to smile at her. Because until then, I never really smiled at her that much. And now that I think back on it. I wonder what my other three children must have thought of their mother.

So I fought on. And I started blogging.  I needed a way to write about this amazing life that I was living, and not loving anymore. So that maybe I could fool myself into believing that it was amazing again. Blogging is cheaper than therapy. It helped. And it didn't.

But a have found a new life. A life with fitness. And that has been amazing.

Am I still depressed.
I have bad days.
Really bad days.

But I am not in danger anymore. And I can see a future for this life.

What has helped more than anything I could have ever imagined, has been fitness. Do I get fit to look good. Do I workout so I can be skinny, or sexy or haute?
I workout because of how it makes me feel.
Right then and there, that day.
Right now.


  1. Love you so much. Just the way you are.

  2. You are a brave mama to keep fighting for your kids! I found you through Whispering Sweet Nothings blog. I wish you well! ~Jessica