I want to share with you a secret. I had a plan. The doctor asked if I was feeling the blues. I said yes. She said well, is it bad? I said yes. She asked, do you have a plan.
What did she mean by asking if I had a plan? She meant a suicide plan. And with all the courage in the world to hold back my tears. I said, "Yes!"
I had a plan. I knew exactly how I would do it. Where I would do it. The only thing I was fighting with was when. I kept fighting it. Not tonight. Not tonight. Not tonight. Not tonight. Not tonight. And even though I knew I as being ridiculous: I loved my life and my family and my kids and myself….
A actually remember. When Bunny was about 3 months old. I was sitting with her in my lap and we were looking at each other. And I was thinking how she still had never smiled at me. I was thinking how much we worked to get Bear to smile. And I realized that if I never smiled at this baby, she would never smile at me. So I tried to remember to smile at her. Because until then, I never really smiled at her that much. And now that I think back on it. I wonder what my other three children must have thought of their mother.
So I fought on. And I started blogging. I needed a way to write about this amazing life that I was living, and not loving anymore. So that maybe I could fool myself into believing that it was amazing again. Blogging is cheaper than therapy. It helped. And it didn't.
But a have found a new life. A life with fitness. And that has been amazing.
Am I still depressed.
I have bad days.
Really bad days.
But I am not in danger anymore. And I can see a future for this life.
What has helped more than anything I could have ever imagined, has been fitness. Do I get fit to look good. Do I workout so I can be skinny, or sexy or haute?
I workout because of how it makes me feel.
Right then and there, that day.